


Party Like It's 2012

by MiladyDragon



Series: Armageddon-Verse [6]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Armageddon-Verse, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - Freeform, Humor, M/M, Mayan Doomsday 2012, Misunderstandings, Sexual Frustration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-19
Updated: 2012-09-19
Packaged: 2017-11-14 14:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/516581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiladyDragon/pseuds/MiladyDragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack has gone off to play Doomsday, leaving a frustrated Ianto to deal with his fellow employees who just don't seem to understand him and Jack's relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Party Like It's 2012

**Author's Note:**

> This was just a riff on all that Doomsday stuff that's been going around. It just seemed like something Apocalypse would get his fingers into.

 

“- you lot have other things to do?” Donna’s raised voice came through the closed office door.

Ianto frowned.  Who was out there bothering his PA?  He stood up from his desk, leaving his scythe leaning against the wall, and strode toward the door, flinging it open just as he heard John Hart’s unmistakable voice saying, “Something’s up with Eye Candy, and you’d know what was going on.”

Death opened the door to reveal Donna standing by her desk, hands on her hips, leaning just forward enough to communicate that she was not above protecting her boss from the encroaching hoards, which consisted of his fellow Horsemen.  “I can hear you, you know,” he said quietly, smirking slightly as all three jumped.  Donna, however, didn’t act like she was surprised; but then, Donna was the most unflappable personal assistant in the Department.

John looked mortified at having been caught, but he was the one who spoke up first.  “We’re just concerned,” he defended his attempt at sticking his nose into Ianto’s business.

“I don’t see what you all have to be worried about,” Ianto answered, leaning against the door jamb with an insouciance that would have had the Demon Queen drooling in envy. 

It certainly seemed to affect John, judging from the sudden, zoned-out look on his face.

It was up to Owen to explain, and he did with his usual flair.  “It’s not like we haven’t noticed,” Pestilence snorted.  “You’re moping around the Department, throwing yourself into your work…we even heard you took over Reaping a minor student demonstration that went awry, when one of your Angels could have done the job.  What is going on, Tea Boy?”

Ianto had to admit…Owen had a point about the demonstration.  One of his minor Angels could have dealt with the situation, but he’d been…bored.  Not that he was about to admit that.  “I just felt like getting my hand in somewhere,” he shrugged. 

“Yeah,” Andy added, “that ‘getting your hand in’ only started when the Boss made himself scarce.”

Well, Ianto had hoped it hadn’t been that noticeable….

“You not getting any?” Owen prodded, his eyes lit with an almost unholy glee.  Which, having seen Evil get that same light, Ianto knew exactly how to identify it. 

_Damnit_ …

“I’ll be happy to be a rebound,” John hastened to offer, looking as if he’d just gotten the best present _ever_.

“You’re all a bunch of absolute wankers,” Donna sniffed. 

“It’s fine, Donna,” Ianto said.  “Obviously Apocalypse didn’t share with them what he was doing, and they’ve decided to jump to the wrong conclusion.”

Only it wasn’t _exactly_ the wrong conclusion.  

“Care to share then?” Owen challenged. 

“Not really,” Death answered.  “But I doubt I’ll get any peace until I do.”  He pushed himself off the door jamb, deciding that sitting on the edge of Donna’s desk was more comfortable.  And John seemed to enjoy ogling his outstretched legs, which Ianto had to admit looked very good in his black suit trousers.  “Do you all have any idea what the Earth year is?”

Judging from the confused looks, apparently not.

“It’s the year 2012 by the current calendar,” Death went on.  “This is the year many Earthlings believe that Doomsday is coming.”

That got their attention.  “But there’s nothing planned,” Andy replied.  Someone had been paying attention to his PA, then.  

“No, there isn’t.  That’s because this so-called Doomsday doesn’t exist.”

“But then why’s Harkness spending any time on it?” Pestilence demanded.

Ianto rolled his eyes.  “You all know Jack…he enjoys stirring up the natives.”  He accepted the cup of coffee that seemed to magically appear in Donna’s hands; it wasn’t as good as his, but she made a pretty decent brew.  “He’s been working on this project for millennia.  Started with the Mayans, and has gone on from there –“

“You mean he’s been playing some sort of practical joke on the planet?”  John whistled, impressed.  “I never knew he had such a long game planned.”

There were a lot of things the others didn’t know, but Ianto wasn’t going to point that out.  “Be that as it may, Jack has been busy, planting doubt and spreading rumours about a possible Doomsday.  He’s going to be involved at least until the end of the year, when this Doomsday is supposed to happen.”

Of course, what Ianto didn’t say – because it was none of their business – was that Jack had been so busy playing with the mortals that he hadn’t been around at all.  Ianto hadn’t seen him for weeks…and that was putting him in a very bad mood. 

An overly horny and lonely Death is not someone a person wanted to be around.

Not that Ianto would ever admit it outright, that he was missing Jack something fierce.  And it wasn’t just the sex…he and Jack would often just talk, and Death missed that intimacy with his Apocalypse more than anything else. 

Then, of course, there was the fact that Jack hadn’t even asked him to come along, which had stung a bit.  Not that he couldn’t have tracked Apocalypse down if he’d wanted to, but there were times when it was obvious that Jack didn’t want to be disturbed…and this was one of those times.

“But what about his other duties here?”  Famine asked, looking worried.

 “He’s still Apocalypse,” Ianto reassured them.  “If an Armageddon is called, he will be here.  Also, Tosh has things well in hand and is keeping him informed of happenings in the office.” 

“And what about his _other_ duties?”  War asked with a very unsubtle leer.

Ianto bristled, taking the comment in exactly the way it was meant.  “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

“Yep,” Owen said, grinning like a maniac, “definitely sex-deprived.”

“I’ve never known Jack to go off sex for anything,” John mused, a calculating look in his pale eyes.  His hand was stroking the hilt of his sword in a decidedly lewd manner.

Ianto knew he shouldn’t let his frustration show, but even though he was able to keep it off his face anyone looking at his hands would have seen how tightly they were wrapped around his mug.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to explain to any of them that it wasn’t the sex he was actually missing…although it was a definite plus.  “Well,” he managed to keep his voice level, “you’ve never seen him involved in such a long-term project as this.  He’s been working on it longer than the three of us combined have worked for the Department, and once he’s done he’ll be back to work full-time.  Until then, we keep things running as smoothly as we can.”  He stood, setting his mug down on Donna’s desk.  “Now, I’m certain you three have things to do…?”

Andy took the dismissal easily; but then, he was the shortest-serving member of the team, and accepted orders from the higher-ranked Horsemen without much complaint.  He nodded, then headed back to his own office, passing the other three PA’s who’d been drawn by the conference by Donna’s desk.  Diane followed Famine, sliding her PDA from its sleeve on her belt, throwing a sympathetic look over her shoulder toward Ianto.

Rose didn’t wait; she grabbed John back the jacket sleeve, and forcibly hauled him back to his own office, War protesting all the way.  Ianto was grateful to her, because he didn’t think he could take any more of War’s blatant innuendo.  It didn’t normally bother him; in fact, he and Jack often teased him mercilessly about it, knowing that John would give anything to be asked to join in…not that they ever would do something like that.  Both Death and Apocalypse were exclusive, and they wanted to keep it that way.

Owen was just as unlucky to be pulled away by his own PA, but Jackie did it by putting her arm around one of Pestilence’s and nattering on about his schedule, and how he had several appointments today that he couldn’t be late to.  Owen looked irritated, but he’d learned a while ago that getting into Jackie’s face was like trying to tell off his mother…if he could remember her.  Jackie didn’t put up with any of his mess and would be more than likely to banish him to the corner for misbehaving. 

“Sorry, boss,” Donna murmured.  “I tried to get them to back off…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Death brushed it off, even though it was bothered by the fact that he’d practically been cornered in his own office.

“Bunch of nosy yobbos,” she growled.  “Don’t know nothing about being in love with someone…”

Ianto smiled, reminding himself to get her the nicest bouquet of flowers he could find.

 

**********

 

Things just went downhill from there.

Ianto couldn’t help but notice the looks he was receiving.  Some of them were pity; others, calculating; and others were knowing, as if they had some sort of inside information.  It bothered him, especially since they all were assuming something that wasn’t true: that he and Jack were on the outs.  No one seemed to believe that Apocalypse had business outside the Department, which didn’t make any sense…Jack was often gone on personal missions, why was this any different?

If he had to explain it one more time, he was seriously going to start Reaping his fellow employees.

However, it was the betting pool that finally did him in.

It had always been entertaining, the way people wagered on him and Jack.  In fact, Ianto had often participated…if not rigging the pools themselves.  He’d made a tidy profit with Donna over the whole thing, and he and Jack had often had a good laugh about it. 

There really was a certain amount of sexual frustration in how Ianto was feeling.  He could admit that to himself.  But nearly everyone had seemed to have gotten his and Jack’s relationship completely wrong, as evidenced by the betting pool he’d heard about, which bothered him more than he could say.  It didn’t help that Jack hated labels; titles were fine, but he hated being pigeon-holed into one thing. 

Ianto was perfectly fine with this.  Usually.

But the misunderstandings plus two months without any sort of release that didn’t involve his hand – which wasn’t nearly as innovative or avant-garde as the real thing – equaled an extremely cranky Death.

Death being cranky wasn’t something anyone really wanted to see.

Ianto also prided himself on his restraint, but that was being sorely tested, no more so than by his fellow Horsemen.  Owen was being insufferable, even with Jackie’s tight rein on him; Andy was obviously feeling sorry for him; and John began a campaign of flirting that had an edge of desperation to it that should have been entertaining. 

However, Ianto wasn’t in the mood to be entertained.

He found himself taking even more missions out of Department.  All right, they were assignments that his own Angels could handle, but even Death could get to the point of being completely fed up.  

Ianto wanted Jack back, but it was getting to the point where it was because he was sick and tired of all the crap he had to put up with alone.

 

**********

 

“I’ve heard some reports that I wanted to discuss with you.”

Ianto wanted to sigh; instead, he leaned his scythe against his shoulder, going for unconcerned.  “I don’t know what you mean.”

Good glanced up from his desk, where he was putting together some sort of device from what looked like a toaster, a remote control, and a curling iron.  He leaned back, spearing Death with a million-year stare that bothered Ianto more than it should coming from a gangly-looking fellow wearing tweed. 

“What I mean,” Good said, “is that I understand that you’re becoming a bit more…focused in your work lately.”

Death frowned.  “I…don’t see what the problem is with that,” he answered, confused.

“The problem is,” Good sighed, “is that you’ve become more intense ever since Jack went on his little crusade to promote Doomsday.”

“I’m sorry, Sir.  But I still don’t see the problem.  I take a great deal of pride in my work –“

“And that’s a very good thing,” Good interrupted.  “No pun intended, of course.”

“Of course,” Ianto agreed, barely keeping his eyes from rolling.

“But you’ve been taking on projects that are beneath a Horseman of Apocalypse.”

It was true; Ianto knew that.  It was just he needed something to keep him occupied while Jack was on Earth, and if he wanted to get away from the Department, then that should be his business, surely?

“Now,” Good went on, “we all know about your…attachment, to Jack –“

“I don’t think that’s anyone’s concern,” Ianto snapped.  He didn’t mean to lose his temper, but it just happened.   He’d heard it all, how everyone viewed his and Jack’s relationship, and he didn’t want to hear it from one of the top two most powerful beings in the Multiverse.

Good was staring at him, and it was all Ianto could do not to fidget.  He was angry at himself for letting the Celestial get to him, and he knew he’d just played right into Good’s hands. 

It was embarrassing, how much Jack’s absence was getting to him.

“You are the longest-serving Death ever in the Armageddon Department,” Good said, steepling his fingers and giving Ianto that freaking stare again, like he was looking directly into his past, present, and future.   It made him twitchy.  “Your work for the Department has been exemplary.  However, I believe you’ve let your personal feelings toward Apocalypse to color your actions –“

“No.”  It was Ianto’s turn to interrupt.  “What Apocalypse and I get up to outside of our jobs has no bearing on what I’ve been doing.”  It wasn’t as much a lie, but more of a deflection.  He needed the work in order to keep himself occupied.   He hadn’t realized just how much time Jack had taken up of his existence until Jack had gone on his personal crusade to sow as much discord among the humans as possible.  Besides, as much as he wanted to explain to Good, he would never believe it.

“Then what would you call it?”  Yes, just from his tone Ianto could tell that Good didn’t believe him.

“As you’ve said,” he answered, trying to backpedal a bit, “I’ve been the longest serving Death in the Department.  Before that, I was an Angel under the previous Death, and as such I was ordered to do much of the low-level Reaping.  I’ve found myself becoming a bit…divorced, from what my Angels are responsible for, and simply decided to work in the trenches for a bit, to remember what it was like.”  There, that sounded like as good an excuse as any. 

Good shook his head in disappointment.  “Ianto…do you honestly expect me to believe you’re not trying to work off all that pent-up sexual energy you haven’t been using on Jack?”

Ianto’s mouth fell open.  “I am not doing any such thing!”

“You’re making rationalizations for trying to keep yourself busy.”

“I like being busy!”

“If I were Chaos I’d be making some sort of innuendo about that, you know.”

Death didn’t blush…no, he didn’t. 

But yes, Good was right.  River Song would, indeed, have made some sort of sexually charged comment about that…as would John Hart…and also Jack.

It had been a long time since Ianto had walked into something like that.

He missed Jack, and it didn’t have anything to do with what people were assuming.  Well, perhaps a little bit; the sex was amazing.  But it was more than that, and no one but Donna seemed to get it.  All they saw was him and Jack having a good time, and none of the other things that went along with spending his existence with Apocalypse.  Even Good didn’t get it, which was disheartening.

“When was the last time you had a vacation?”

Good’s words threw Ianto completely off.  “I…excuse me?”

The Celestial had the gall to smirk at Ianto’s confusion.  “I think that answers my question.  Why don’t you take a few days off?  Get a fresh perspective.  According to your PA there isn’t anything requiring your direct attention, and you can relax or do whatever you want to do.  It’ll do you some good…no pun intended.”

Death really wished Good would quit saying that.

Then he mentally called Donna a traitor for letting anyone into his schedule.

“Just what am I supposed to do on this vacation?” he demanded, gripping his scythe tightly.  At that moment he wondered just what he would mean for him to Reap a Celestial…

Good waved a hand airily.  “Don’t you have family somewhere?  You can go and visit them…”

_Oh lovely…._

**********  

 

He did end up visiting Rhiannon, but only because she contacted him. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t love his sister; he did.  But ever since he’d taken the promotion to the Horseman of Death, he’d been able to spend less and less time with her.  Of course it wasn’t all about the work; it just seemed like they’d grown apart ever since his elevation and her marriage to Johnny Evans.

Rhiannon worked in Minor Miracles, which was what Ianto considered had happened when she’d met Johnny, who was a minor demon in the Ruination Department.  They were pretty much opposites, but they loved each other, and that was all that mattered, at least to them.  They had two children that were complete and utter hellions…which meant they took after their father. 

Ianto arranged to meet her for lunch, so he wouldn’t have to put up with Johnny or the kids.  They’d have been at work and school respectively anyway, but Rhiannon could have very easily have invited him over for dinner, and while Death could be a bad-arse when he wanted to, Ianto was quite frankly scared of the entire Evans clan when they got together.

“Well,” Rhiannon began, taking the seat opposite her brother, “it’s been too long.”

“Sorry,” he replied, waving the waitress over to their table.  “I’ve been busy…with work.”  He pretended that his scythe wasn’t leaning against the wall just behind him.

“That’s not what I’ve heard.”  The smirk that decorated her lips made Ianto cringe.

_Oh, not her too…_

The waitress came over, and they put in their orders before Ianto answered her.  It gave him time to calm down a bit.  “I don’t know what you’ve heard, but it’s most likely wrong.”

“So it’s not true that you and Apocalypse haven’t been playing Naked Hide and Seek when no one’s in the Armageddon Department?”  She looked like she wanted to bounce out of her chair.

Ianto couldn’t help but chuckle.  “He always cheats…”  And then suddenly all his frustration came to the fore.  “But it’s more than that, and no one seems to get it.”

Rhiannon frowned, reaching across the table to hold his hand.  “You can talk to me, Ianto.”

There was a very big part of him that didn’t want to appear weak in front of his own sister.  Hell, that part didn’t want him to appear weak to _anyone_. 

But this was Rhiannon. 

He was just a bit too silent too long, and Rhiannon looked sad.   “You always used to talk to me,” she murmured, squeezing his hand.  “But you took that promotion, and I married Johnny…we used to be close, and you’re my brother.”

Now she was trying to guilt him into opening up.  Damnit, that always worked…

And so he talked.

He told her about Jack, and how he’d gone on this personal project.  How Ianto felt a bit bothered by the fact that Jack hadn’t asked if he wanted to help, even though he recognized that Jack needed the time.  Then he explained how everyone got their relationship wrong, assuming that the only reason Ianto was acting a bit out of character was because he was sexually frustrated…when, in fact, it was simply because he missed Jack.

There was a small voice in the back of his head exclaiming that it was a Minor Miracle that he was opening up to Rhiannon, but then that _was_ her job. 

When he was done, she leaned back in her chair, arms crossed and looking more than a bit put out.  “You work with a bunch of arseholes, and no mistake,” she declared.

Ianto wasn’t about to argue with her; after all, she was right.

“I mean, even Good thinks this!”  She shook her head.  “And that man’s supposed to be all-seeing and all-knowing?  All idiot, if you ask me.”

Ianto couldn’t help but laugh.  He had to admit it; he was feeling better for talking to her.   “Thank you,” he said sincerely.

Rhiannon smiled.  “You’re my brother.  You might have become a right poncy git with near-Celestial power, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”  She reached across and held his hand once more.  “Be glad your PA, Donna, called me for an intervention.  She’s a smart one.  You need to keep her.”

Once again, Ianto made a mental note to get her the biggest bouquet he could find.  He might even add a box of the best chocolates to it.

 

**********

 

“Hey kids…did you miss me?”

Ianto turned to look at Jack as he practically swanned his way into the office, his military coat swishing impressively about him.  Apocalypse was looking particularly pleased with himself, and Death couldn’t make up his mind if he was extremely turned on…or extremely pissed off, after everything he’d had to go through in the last couple of months.

“Were you gone?” Rose piped up from her desk in front of War’s office.

Her comment caused laughter throughout the room.

“I thought you were gonna be longer,” Andy asked, exiting his own office.

Jack shrugged.  “Toshiko informed me there was to be an Armageddon in three days, so I thought I’d come back to get ready for it.”  His eyes tracked around the room, finally settling on Ianto, who had been leaning over Donna’s chair to look at her computer as she was working on his schedule.  Ever since his talk with Rhiannon, he’d taken himself out of the field unless it was something that called for his personal attention, and he felt better able to deal with the looks and comments he’d been getting since Jack had gone off on his own personal Doomsday. 

Although, it was very hard to actually see him past the large bunch of colourful flowers on Donna’s desk, and Jack had to crane his neck to catch Ianto’s eyes.  Ianto took pity on him and stood up straight, and he tugged his waistcoat down primly.  It hid the fact that he wanted to jump Apocalypse right in the middle of the room…well, that and he wasn’t actually an exhibitionist, no matter how many times he and Donna had ‘arranged’ to have himself and Jack found _in_ _flagrante_ in various places throughout the building. 

“Tea Boy was the one who missed you,” Owen snarked, the smirk on his face pure evil. 

Ianto wondered if the rumours were true, and that he was actually dating Evil’s PA, Katie.  After all, she’d once been Owen’s assistant and he’d gone crazy after she’d taken the transfer.   It would certainly explain the more than usual evilness about him lately.

“Yeah,” John joined in.  “He’s been frustrated ever since you left.  I offered to help…”

“I would be a cold day in every Hell imaginable before that happened, John,” Ianto shot back, not wanting Jack to get the wrong idea.

Apocalypse obviously didn’t, judging from the fierce look on his face.  “That’s good, because I don’t share.”

Ianto moved out from behind Donna’s desk.  “Welcome back, _Sir_ ,” he said calmly.  

Jack’s eyes darkened at the word.  “Did you miss me, Ianto?”

“I can’t imagine why anyone would think that,” Death answered in his patented deadpan. 

Apocalypse pouted…which was a world killer on its own.

“Oh, for Good’s sake,” Donna called out, “kiss each other already!”

The gathered PA’s laughed, while Owen gagged and Andy blushed.  John looked as if he was drooling at the mere thought of seeing the pair of them in a lip lock.

“I think,” Death said, “that Apocalypse and I have private business.  Do you agree, Sir?”

“I think you’re right,” Apocalypse answered, practically purring.  “Shall we adjourn to my office?”

“It’s not like we don’t know what you’re gonna get up to,” Owen snorted. 

“You have no idea,” Jack replied, his eyes not leaving Ianto’s.

Which was true…they had no idea.  None of them – except for Donna, and Rhiannon of course – really knew what was going on between Apocalypse and his Death.  Perhaps someday they may accept it, but for now Ianto realized he could deal with it as long as the important people realized the truth.

Certainly, he’d talk to Jack about what had happened while he was gone, and chances were Ianto would have to deal with it when Jack left again after the Armageddon.  And, just maybe, their fellow employees would, indeed, ‘get it’ at some point.  But until then, Ianto had Jack…and Jack had Ianto.

The only irritation that Death felt now was the fact that he’d let them get to him so badly.  He really was going to have to deal with his own feelings.

Or else, he was going to have to get revenge.

Hm…revenge actually sounded like the better option.

The big question being…would he let Jack in on it?  Or wait until Jack was gone again?

He’d have to think about that one.

Well, maybe later…once Death had had his wicked way with his lover and showed him just what he’d been missing, and how not-important that silly old Doomsday thing actually was.   

 


End file.
